She’d do anything for her sister. Except say sorry.

Shelby doesn’t give a fuck. Not about her broken hand, not about her dad’s cupcake habit, and definitely not about being a good sibling. But her little sister Ella’s birthday is coming up, and for once, Shelby wants to do something kind. All she has to do is buy the hottest… and stupidest… toy of the year:

Spatula.

A fanged kitchen utensil in a tiny cape.

The only place left that might have one is the Mall of the Universe, an unfathomably large cow-themed shopping center. If searching for the doll through the mall’s never-ending labyrinth of halls and floors wasn’t bad enough, she has to get past the strange people and things lurking within.

Cults! Rat janitors! Meth-smoking sex shop workers!

Her only ally is Chad, a shirtless, oil-slicked restaurant server with a huge heart, a tiny brain, and glutes of legend.

Can Shelby get the doll and finally show her sister she loves her? Or will she just become one more mess for the rats to clean up?

Read Blood for Spatula to find out, but whatever you do, never trust a guy with a Rubik’s Cube.